The EPICEST of the EPIC FAILS of LORD MOLDYBUTT
by From Spark to Flame
Summary: Voldy has just decided that he won't 'Avada' Harry... Unfortunately, none of his other plans to kill the other dude work so well either. Nope... They fail like the light of a thousand suns- which is a lot of suns, if you didn't know.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: THE HP SERIES IS NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha, oops about the caps lock.

A/N: …-sigh- Hi… WOAH that rhymes! SIGH! HI! SIGH! HI! Anyway....... HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

"I'LL DO IT!" The loud cry suddenly burst forth from the awesome lips of 'The Dark Lord Who Failed To Kill A Little Kid And Was Too Lazy To Deal With The Hyphens', who then jumped out of his armchair and spread his arms out.

Wormtail looked up at the snake lord in confusion. "What are you talking about Voldy…Uhh…I mean Master…?" His cheeks colored as he thought of the kinky implications behind the name Master.

Voldy gave his most faithful, ugly, ratty rat-servant a huge, toothy grin that threatened to split his face in half. "Whats-his-name…Oh yeah, Potter…I won't Avada him," Voldy declared happily. Lucius, who had had his head buried into the depths of yet another erotic novel… err… I mean information text, looked up at Voldy.

"But you HAVE to kill him Moldeybutt," Lucius pointed out, closing him book on him finger and using his index finger to keep his place… he was right in the middle of a particularly interesting…scene.

"NO! Forget the damn prophecy! I won't Avada him!"

Lucius blinked… "Prophecy?"

"Oops." Voldy blushed but ignored the fact that his most faithful not ratty servant heard that. "I don't wanna use Avada! What if the backfires again like all those fanfics prophesize?"

"Voldy…"

"SHH Malloy!"

"It's Malfoy!"

"SHHHH! You're distracting me from my rant. I need to get to my point already otherwise Potter might bust in while I'm talking and distracted and we'll all explode and die by spontaneous combustion."

"But-"

"SHUT UP YOU SON OF A BIT-"

Lucius jumped up growled at his master- trying to ignore the kinky underlying connotation of the perverted word. "Don't finish that sentence."

Voldy hrumphed and folded his arms over his chest. "Fine… Anyway, I wanna kill him in a cooler way that won't have it backfire on me, add another scar on his forehead, and have me once again bodyless."

"Huh?" Wormatil added in.

"What do you think about death by anger…like if I get him mad enough to get a blood vessel to pop?" Voldy suggested, after scratching his chin for a moment.

"Or you could scare him and hope he gets a heart attack," Wormtail added, finally understanding where Voldy was going with this.

"Or I could show him Lucius's wand and he'd die laughing."

It took a second for the comment to register and for the flush to spread across Lucius's face. "IT IS NOT SMALL!"

"DENIAL!" Voldy yelled with a evil laugh before prancing away to go play with his evil dolls.

* * *

A/N: SIGH HI SIGH HI SIGH HI –snicker-

Hey peoples. Wuzzup? Yeah, another WIP, but this is mostly to let off steam and have fun. These are fun to write in classes, especially when I have daydreams about stabbing the teacher. Anyway, I already have about 5 or so different scenarios of Voldy's epic fails written out on paper. I just need to type it out…

Actually, I've been writing these for like a bit less than a week…I just haven't had the time to type them out… I have homework starting back up, and along with that, my grandpa is in the hospital for an open heart surgery (he's supposed to be coming home tomorrow or the day after that) and my other grandparents are in Canada for a wedding and so they can't take care of my baby bro, so my mom is working from home so that she can watch him, and a family friend from NYC just flew over so that he could help out with taking care of my grandpa, AND, it's a certain someone's birthday tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEE! Happy early BDAY larrythestapler! (maybe for a bday pres, you guys might read an review her fics. –hint hint poke poke-.

Anyway, I'm going to try not to slack on my posting anymore and try to get some of my things finished.

Please reviewwwwwwww! I'll post the first lame epic fail attempt soon!!!!!!! Spread the love. –smiley face-

XOXO

Flame

PS: I ramble too much. Hehe anyway, I'll update this randomly... as I already said, its more to let of steam and have fun rather than being anything serious...


	2. The Nosebleeding Plan

Disclaimer: The HP series belongs to JKR.

A/N: David Cook has an orgasmic voice… that's all I have to say. –grin- I'm one of the few teenagers that actually prefer him over Archuleta.

* * *

Voldy slowly walked around in the graveyard that they had set for their meeting place. He'd already sent out his awesome black eagle pet thingy to deliver a letter to Scarhead to meet him there. The graveyard was officially their new battleground where the rest of their battles would be carried out, and if Voldy had his way, there'd only be one 'battle'.

His plan?

For Harry to die of blood loss…

From a nosebleed.

Because Voldy just looked damn smexy in his Japanese schoolgirl outfit.

Well, in his opinion he looked smexy. The mirror had said something quite insulting that resulted into it being shattered into tiny pieces… And Lucius did seem to flush upon seeing his Master- though whether it was from lust or embarrassment at having a schoolgirl dressed Dark Lord for a master, Voldy didn't know… He shrugged it off and assumed it was the first.

In his defense, the hentai manga he read claimed it worked.

With a shuffle, Voldy smoothed out his skirt, pulling it down a bit to cover his legs more before realizing that he would look smexier if it was higher. So he pulled it up even more. Luckily, Harry wasn't there yet or he'd have thrown up at the flash of pink knickers that showed.

He squirmed from his spot on a random gravestone and glanced around, wishing he had a watch so that he could check the time to see when Po-

POP!

Voldy's head snapped up and a sultry smile danced across his thin lips. Speak of the devil.

"Voldemort? Riddle? Viddle?" Potter cried out, searching for his arch nemesis. Voldy squirmed a bit in eagerness, knowing Potter couldn't see him yet.

Voldy cleared his throat for a second, focusing on his head voice and forcing out a high falsetto, "Over here Harry!" From his spot at the gravestone, Voldy could see the thin outline of Potter.

His ears twitched as he listened for the crunch of the teenager's shoes against the twigs that littered the floor. Step. Crunch. Step. Crunch. Step. Crunch… No step.

Voldy raised his eyes to look at Potter through his eyelashes, waiting for the blood to come pouring out of the teenager's nose, only to see pure shock an amusement etched into the other's face. "Voldemort… What are you wearing."

Voldy stood up with what he hoped he was a beautiful flourish and Potter ended up on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing hard enough to turn his face red. Voldy pouted… "Why are you laughing????? You're supposed to nosebleed to death," Voldy whined with a life.

"You're an idiot," Potter claimed, between his gasps for air and the laughter that rumbled in his chest.

"Is it possible for me to make you die laughing?" Voldy asked hopefully, shaking his hips.

Potter immediately sobered up and got off the floor. He then proceeded to throw up at Voldy's feet and straighten up, wiping the disgusting taste form his mouth with his sleeve's robe. "No," he stated calmly before crossing his arms over his chest and looking at the disgusting older man/schoolgirl pervert with a frown.

Voldy huffed and left off in a puff, his skirt floating up and down with every step- which made Potter laugh even harder.

Once in the security of his dark evil palace of doom, Voldy shedded his schoolgirl outfit. "Maybe I should have showed him Lucius's wand."

* * *

A/N: Once again, David Cook… voice… orgasmic.

Anyway, this was kind of random. I loved writing it though.

I hope you loved reading it.

If so, please do review- you know the drill: spread the love. Hehe.

If you hate it, then please review anyway.

I"LL UPDATE SOON!

XOXO

Flame

PS: I have a message for larrythestapler (the birthday girl who I couldn't email because Y!Mail was being stupid.) You guys can ignore it unless u wanna read my horrible spelling and awesome song abilities that I stole from Demi Lovato.

"Hey babes. BEHOLD!

soemtimes u think ull be fine by urslef

cuz a dream is awish that u make all alone

its easy to feel

like u dont need help

but its harder to walk on ur owwwwwwwwwwn

ull change inside when u realize

the world come to life and everythigns bright  
from beginning to end

when you have a friend by ur siiiiiiiiide

it helps u to finnnnnnnnd

the beauty u r when u open ur heart and believe iiiiiin

the gift of a friend!!!!!!

the gift of a frieennnnnd...

someone who knows when ur lost and ur scared

and there through the highs and the looows

someone u can count on

sum1 who cares

beside u weherevr ull goooo

ull change inside when u realize

the world come to life and everythigns bright  
from beginning to end

when you have a friend by ur siiiiiiiiide

it helps u to finnnnnnnnd

the beauty u r when u open ur heart and believe iiiiiin

the gift of a friend!!!!!!

the gift of a frieennnnnd...

and when ur hope crashed down

shattering to the groud

U

u feel al alone

when u dont no which way to go

and theres no signs leadin u home

ur not alooone

the world come to life

and evrythigns bright

from beginning to end when u have

a firend by ur siiiiiiiiide

that helps u to find

the beauty u r when u open ur heart

and believe in...

when u believe in....

u can belive in...

the gift of a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-bows-

TA-DA!


	3. The Pain of a Hand

Disclaimer: THE HP SERIES IS NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha, oops about the caps lock.

A/N: Hey peoples.

* * *

Voldy slowly walked around in the graveyard that they had set for their meeting place. He'd already sent out his awesome grey eagle pet thingy to deliver a letter to Scarhead to meet him there

The awesome black eagle that had delivered the first letter decided that he hated working for a dude that couldn't even wear a smexy Japanese schoolgirl outfit right and so it jumped off a cliff- which really doesn't make any sense since it could fly…But that's what the suicide note said and suicide notes like that were too epic to ignore, even if all they were were a huge inky eagle footprint thing

But anyway, the graveyard was still officially their battleground where the rest of their battles would be carried out, and if Voldy had his way, there'd only be two 'battle's…and this'd be the second and final of the two.

His plan?

For Harry to die of burning…

From a hand to the face- like what happened with Quirrel.

Because he finally got someone to 'sacrifice' herself for him and so now he could just put his hand on harry and the li'l dude who wouldn't die would burn away. Bellatrix was kinda freaking him out anyway, especially her laughs and creepy pick up lines… I mean who actually says, 'I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I know how to make your Bed-_rock_.'

Voldy suppressed the shiver at her horrible attempt to me smexy as she said that…she had evens tolen his prized schoolgirl outfit for the declaration of bedrock pervertedness. Everyone there agreed that even Voldy looked better in it then Lestrange did.

He squirmed from his spot on the same random gravestone as last time and he glanced around. He still had never gotten that watch so that he could check when Po-

POP!

Voldy's head snapped up and a sultry smile danced across his thin lips. Speak of the angel.

"Viddle? Are you out of that thing?" Potter asked, disgust lacing his voice at the last word.

Voldy nodded at his spot, scoffing at the odd nickname though. "Yeah, it's gone. And I'll never wear it again." He shuddered. "It's tainted."

"Good," Harry responded before emerging from the darkness that enshrouded him. "Hey, you actually look normal," Harry said. Then he paused, thinking over his words for a moment. "Well, as normal as you usually look- which is actually pretty weird with you being the freak that you are."

Voldemort smirked, "I may be freaky, but I'm the cool kind of freaky. Unlike you."

"Oooh. Your insults burn me. I'm gonna go slit my wrist and drown in self-pity," Harry remarked sarcastically, sneering at the older dude… well maybe half snake half dude… well probably half snake a quarter weenie and a quarter dude… or maybe just half snake half weenie.

"Hehe," Voldy giggled. He grabbed the tea kettle off the table that was set between them by Wormtail and then poured some tea into Harry's empty cup and then adding sugar. He put it down quickly, as if it'd grow a face, a motherly hen attitude, and sing a song about him and Harry and some new found friendship about a beauty and a beast.

Yup. Definitely the last one! Half snake half weenie.

"So what am I here for this time?" Harry asked, sitting on the headstone in front of his arch nemesis.

"Oh, the usual. I have to kill you and all that jizz."

"Oh yeah. Cool. The weather's nice today isn't it?" Harry commented, glancing at the cloudless sunny day… it suddenly struck Voldy as odd that Harry had emerged from darkness when technically there really wasn't any darkness… WTF… Oh well, maybe it was one of the Weasley products. Those guys were geniuses. He himself had purchased quite a few products and unleashed countless pranks on his minions.

"Yeah, whatever. So how are things with you and Ginny?" Voldy asked, continuing the small talk.

"The usual. She bitches. I pretend to listen. I break up with her. She pretends she doesn't hear me and then latches onto my arm and kisses me."

"Hmmm… You should try Avadaing her. Clingy girls tend to be too much. They'll be the death of you."

"Ehh, I'm too lazy. So, speaking Avadaing, how are you gonna kill me today?"Harry asked after taking a sip of tea.

"By poisoning your tea," Voldy said, taking a sip of his own.

Harry's eyes widened and the tea in his mouth went flying in a way that mimicked the awesomeness of a sprinkler. "WHAT?"

"Just kiddin' li'l man. If I did put poison in it, I would have drunk it to cuz I poured the tea in form the same kettle," Voldy said, eying the kettle, still doubting its ability to not come to life and sing.

"SO how are you planning to kill me then?"

"SAME WAY YOU MADE ME LOSE MY HALF BODY!" VOLDY YELLED, OVERTURNING THE TABLE AND JUMPING ON HARRY AND PRESSING HIS HAND TO THE INQUIRING TEEN'S FACE, WAITING FOR THE YELLIGN AND SCREAMING TO ESCAPE FROM HIS LIPS AND FOR THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON TO BE CLICKED. There… it was clicked. But the screaming didn't reach his ears.

Voldy looked down, seeing a hand covered smirking face. "Huh…why aren't you burning?"

Harry scoffed and moved the ugly hand away. "Cuz your awesome Mommy didn't die for you like she did for me." And with that, harry sighed and apparated away with a loud pop and Voldy was left thinking three things.

1) Maybe poisoning actually could have worked..too late now. 2) Bella died in vain…too late now. 3) He really should have gone with Lucius's wand.

* * *

A/N: I'm listening to Kelly Clarkson, but unfortunately her voice isn't orgasmic… DAVID COOK FTW!

Yeah, its cracky, but that makes it all the more funny.

Review please. Spread the love.

XOXO

Flame


	4. Meet My Little Friend

A/N: Hey...

* * *

Voldy slowly walked around in the graveyard that they had set for their meeting place. He'd already sent out his awesome white eagle pet thingy to deliver a letter to Scarhead to meet him there

The awesome black eagle that had delivered the first letter decided that he hated working for a dude that couldn't even wear a smexy Japanese schoolgirl outfit right and so it jumped off a cliff- which really doesn't make any sense since it could fly…But that's what the suicide note said and suicide notes like that were too epic to ignore, even if all they were were a huge inky eagle footprint thing.

And so when touched the awesome grey eagle pet thingy, it ended up burning… If only that trick worked on Stupid Potter… Oh well, he got roast eagle for dinner.

But anyway, the graveyard was still officially their battleground where the rest of their battles would be carried out, and if Voldy had his way, there'd only be three 'battle's…and this'd be the third and final of the two.

His plan?

For Harry to die from a wound

With the help of Voldy's Little Friend. Yes- with the capital L and F.

So his lttle friend twirled on his finger, winking in the light of the sun. This would be fun.

POP!

Voldy's nonexistent eyebrows furrowed. Damn, he hadn't been thinking of Potter… He didn't get to say 'speak of the devil/angel'. A pout formed on his lips. Oh well.

He got up from the bench and waited for Potter's figure to get closer. And closer. And closer. And closer. And-

"Meet my Little Friend!" Voldy yelled, bringing his gun out and letting out all six bullets, all aimed right as Harry's chest.

He could see Harry's eyes widened as he toppled over, clutching his chest the way down. Voldy looked at the fallen body and shrugged. Wow…that was easy. He didn't even come back to life or anyt-

"BOO!"

Voldy let out a shriek and jumped a foot in the air, holding a hand to his racing old heart. "Woah Harry. You scared me…. Harry?"

Harry handed Voldy the bullets. "Here you go. First of all, I have a bulletproof vest on- Obama told me it was a good precaution. We bonded over that trip I had to the White House to talk to him about his educational address… which really doesn't make sense cuz technically I live in England but my Authoress is too lazy to go look up famous peoples in England who wear bulletproof vest.

" And secondly, you might want a new Little Friend. This one is kind of empty… I mean. BB bullets are for the wannabe gangsters not the evil dark lords. Here, you can have mine," Harry said, handing over a shiny huge gun that he had somehow fit into his robe pocket.

Voldy took it with a thanks and waved by to Harry as he prepared to apparate away. Harry smiled and waved back, shuffling his robes a bit.

Voldy's eyes widened a bit when he saw a hickey on Harry's neck. "Hey Potter!"

Harry looked up in surprise.

"I know your still with Ginny, but I should show you Lucius's wand sometime. It'll do you some good," Voldy said through snickers as he hugged his gone to his chest.

Harry rolled his eyes and just 'pop'ed away.

The authoress frowned when he realized that he shouldn't have wrote 'pop'ed… it looked like 'pooped.'

* * *

A/N: What? I'm bored.

Review please. Spread the love! Tommorow/Today is my birthday (depending on where in the world you are... Yeah, My B Day is 9/11) Soo... can I get reviews as presents?

XOXO

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	5. You Are NOT

A/N: Hey…again.

* * *

Voldy slowly walked around in the graveyard that they had set for their meeting place. He'd already sent out his awesome black owl pet thingy to deliver a letter to Scarhead to meet him there

The awesome black eagle that had delivered the first letter decided that he hated working for a dude that couldn't even wear a smexy Japanese schoolgirl outfit right and so it jumped off a cliff- which really doesn't make any sense since it could fly…But that's what the suicide note said and suicide notes like that were too epic to ignore, even if all they were were a huge inky eagle footprint thing

But anyway, the graveyard was still officially their battleground where the rest of their battles would be carried out, and if Voldy had his way, there'd only be two 'battle's…and this'd be the second and final of the two.

And so when he touched the awesome grey eagle pet thingy, it ended up burning… If only that trick worked on Stupid Potter… Oh well, he got roast eagle for dinner.

The awesome white eagle pet thingy stole Voldy's new gun and flew away, trying to lift the huge thing with its strong talons- and unfortunately for Voldy, succeeding.

His plan?

For Harry to die of shock…

Or maybe for Harry to at least join him so he wouldn't be as bored…or so that he wouldn't be as much of a failure as he was destined to be. But then again, if he was destined to be a failure, nothing would change that… Not even the words that escaped his mouth as Harry appeared in front of him.

"Harry, I am your father…" Voldy said in his best Darth Vader Star Wars VOICE!

Harry raised an eyebrow. "No you aren't… Snape is my father. Didn't you get the memo?"

"No he isn't! But even if he is, then that makes sense. He's a death eater. JOIN MY ARMY SO WE CAN BAND TOGETHER, BUILD THE BEST ARMY EVER, GET BACK AT DUMBLES, KILL ALL THE MUGGLES IN THE WORLD, AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?"

"No… and what's with the caps?" Harry asked in a bored tone as he leaned on yet another headstone.

"But you do it in all the fanfics!" Voldy protested with a whine lacing his voice.

"Yeah, but there are also fanfics in which Mr. Malfoy's wand is big and we all know it isn't true…"

"Oh yeah…" Voldy sighed. "Oh well…" They sat in silence. "Hey Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we have a lightsaber battle?" Voldy held up two glowing weapons eagerly.

"No. Oh and Snape isn't my father… I was lying," Harry said before apparating away, trying to dispel the horrible mental image that was still in his head… the one of Mr. Malfoy and a certain… thing… of his.

* * *

A/N: Yeha, I know…ongoing joke about the Lucius wand thing, but I just love it. Hehe.

Review please! Spread the love! Tommorow/Today is my birthday (depending on where in the world you are... Yeah, My B Day is 9/11) Soo... can I get reviews as presents?

XOXO

Flame


	6. dot dot dot

A/N: Hey…yeah again

* * *

Voldy slowly walked around in the graveyard that they had set for their meeting place. He'd already sent out his awesome grey owl pet thingy to deliver a letter to Scarhead to meet him there

The awesome black eagle that had delivered the first letter decided that he hated working for a dude that couldn't even wear a smexy Japanese schoolgirl outfit right and so it jumped off a cliff- which really doesn't make any sense since it could fly…But that's what the suicide note said and suicide notes like that were too epic to ignore, even if all they were were a huge inky eagle footprint thing

But anyway, the graveyard was still officially their battleground where the rest of their battles would be carried out, and if Voldy had his way, there'd only be two 'battle's…and this'd be the second and final of the two.

And so when he touched the awesome grey eagle pet thingy, it ended up burning… If only that trick worked on Stupid Potter… Oh well, he got roast eagle for dinner.

The awesome white eagle pet thingy stole Voldy's new gun and flew away, trying to lift the huge thing with its strong talons- and unfortunately for Voldy, succeeding.

His plan?

For Harry to die of … death…

That made no sense, but if he wanted it to make sense, then he'd actually have to change the format and he was waaaay to meticulous to do something like that… either that or he was lazy.

Harry…Potter…Scarhead…Po-

POP

Voldy showed a toothy grin. Now he could say it! "SPEAK OF THE DEVIL/ANGEL/WHATEVER!" Oops.. he accidentally yelled it. Too late now.

"Hey Viddle. Dman you need to stop yelling. I'm going deaf in my right ear from all the yelling you've been doing… Like at least one set of caps locks per chapter… that's a lot." Voldy just shrugged in response, sticking out a long, ugly forked tongue.

"Forget you," Voldy responded. "Anyway, get over here." Voldy motioned the li'l dude over. The said li'l dude hesitantly walked forward, stopping right in front of his arch rival…

Voldy studied him for a moment before grabbing a ripe red apple off the lemon tree in the graveyard…which technically made no sense at ALL. There went the caps again. Anyway, he placed the apple on the dude's head and backed away, smiling.

"Now stay there."

"Fine…" Potter said, glancing at the apple wearily.

Voldy went over to his Gucci bag and fiddled through the things in there, blabbing all the way. "So this is a trick I learned from watching TV- you know…that magical muggle box. Anyway, I found the trick, and made a spell for it." Voldy pulled out a bow… and an arrow… "The idea is that the arrow goes through the apple…but I enchanted the arrow to fly to whoever has the apple on their head and for the arrow to pierce their heart."

"Oh… SO that's why I have the apple on my head?" Harry asked.

"MHmmm.. Now just stay still," Voldy mumbled as he laced the arrow into the bow. Then, he pulled back and let go, watching the arrow fly toward the apple… the apple that was flying over the lemon tree… WHAT? Lemon tree?

Harry laughed. "Dude…" Harry started before pausing to think for a second. "Sorry I mean, Snake/Weenie, do you really think I'd let my heart get pierced? I'm not stupid… I know how to throw the apple. Oh and you should go with actually trapping me before telling me your plan… otherwise I know how to foil it."

"OK,l I'll keep that in mind Harry. Have fun! Enjoy the next day of your life! I'll send you an owl when I get a new idea… Enjoy Ginny."

"And you enjoy Mr. Malfoy," Harry said before apparating with a pop (instead of 'pop'ing).

Voldy was left throwing up the apple he had ate from the lemon tree earlier… The idea of Lucius was too sickening to imagine.

* * *

A/N: -big grin- Hey

Review please. Spread the love. Tommorow/Today is my birthday (depending on where in the world you are... Yeah, My B Day is 9/11) Soo... can I get reviews as presents?

XOXO

Flame


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